Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

YES! Lets Learn the NEW 60 SEX TIPS!!...(Try saying that 10 times in a row)

 

Happy 2011 readers! After a month long hiatus, I have returned to post new blogs about my personal life, the bullshit dating experiences, hookups that should only exist in movies, and yes the ever so talked about sex life….? Or the lack of…Whatever the case may be, I have some rants about the bullshit all women give into, the Cosmopolitan Magazine, and their unbelievable, ridiculous tips and advice for the inevitable…. better sex life. I’ll tell you this much, if you keep reading and taking Cosmo’s advice you can be guaranteed to say adios to whatever sex life you have, and if you’re lacking in that department say farewell for good, because Cosmo’s only setting you up for failure.

Every month new issues of the ever-so- popular magazine claims that if you try out all the “77 sex positions of the month”, or the “101 different ways to a better COWGIRL position”, will make you the porn star of the bedroom and magically “win” him over….Who the fuck writes this shit? Even more in disbelief, who the fuck actually believes this stuff with full conviction? That these tips and advice will actually work? …Who you ask?… Me! Yes, I admit, since early college years, I’ve become a devoted subscriber to Cosmo, and always thought that the tips and advice offered by Cosmo sounded a bit crazy, and wondered was the author offering these advice, for real? In all honesty, are these articles on sex really worth the try, and do they even work for that matter? You can be in denial all you want, but we’ve all done it. We go to the grocery store, stand in line at the cashier and long behold the latest issue claiming how to “Give him a lap dance for 365 days, and never lose his interest” because OBVIOUSLY this will encourage the naughty skills that you MUST learn, DUH!….Ahahaha!!! Really? I think that whoever wrote that article, actually believes with every ounce of their being, that this really works. Must be written by someone who obviously never had sex. What woman has time to give lap dances for 365 days, without actually getting paid for just to point out. Or the “Guy translator for sex talk.” I mean really have you ladies actually picked up an issue of Cosmo lately, and really paid attention to the pathetic articles that are beyond words, which claim that this is your guide to achieving amazing sex? I’m trying not to have a derisive approach to the Cosmo magazine, or its writers, but I’m just being honest. It’s utter crap!

So I’m going to elaborate on their latest article. Personally, after I’ve read the piece, needless to say, it was for my personal entertainment, and great for a daily dose of comedy! I realized that if these idiotic writers are actually getting away with articles to the level of stupidity that they are, and furthermore getting paid for it, then I should join the bandwagon for Cosmo, because I don’t know of any real life women who would advise anyone to follow through with what Cosmo advices month after month to sell an issue. Which is just that, a ploy to sell an issue. No real advice for real life women. In any event, the latest article titled: “3 Weird Ways He’s Into You”……Fun stuff! (rolling my eyes). My first question is, why would I want a guy to be interested in me in ‘weird-ways’, far less ’3 weird ways’, and if women are trying to get rid of creepy, weird men, especially now days, why is Cosmo instead of deterring, encouraging this creepy behavior? I think we all should have followed Cosmo’s advice earlier in our lives, this way we would’ve been in fool proof relationships with men who give off weird, and creepy signs to show us their interests! This is why I say, Cosmos, shut the up fuck!

Weird Sign #1, claims that if he orders a steak, then he is into you…Apparently when a guy orders a steak, he is trying to show off his masculinity to impress you. Weird sign #2 says that he will mimic you in order to talk like you. And then there is weird sign #3, also the best and of course the obvious way to show his interest, which states that if he forgets things like where you work, shows he has genuine interest for you. Aww, kinda cute isn’t it?!

If you hold even half a brain of decent intelligence, or common sense, you won’t actually believe this crap. If a guy order’s a steak, all I’m thinking is ‘hey great! At least I’m gonna be full from the meal that I didn’t have to pay for!’ If a guy mimics the way I talk, I’ll still finish the dinner, I mean c’mon its a free meal, and then never return his calls again, and if a guy forgets where I work, or anything else I tell him, then he’s a winner! You know why? Because he’s the idiot who didn’t annoy you too much, and still took you out! LOL! Don’t take my word for it, go grab the next issue of Cosmo, and see what I’m talking about. Maybe reading this post will shed some light on the bullshit Cosmo advises their women readers about. My stand on Cosmo is still the same, and although I have discontinued my monthly subscription, I still laugh every time I come across an issue about the “370 ways of humping” article, and think to myself  “OMG, just shut the fuck up!” I believe that the writers for Cosmo probably sit through hours of porn, and get their advice and tips on what women should be doing in the bedroom, in order to keep a man, win a man over, or what have you. I think that these are unfathomable measures of unrealistic suggestions for real life women. With that said, Cosmo, shut the fuck up!

-Sex and Women.

What to do when your ‘Pokemon” doesn’t POKE you back?

BOOO!

Okay so I recently found out that the character, Pokemon, isn’t a boy…”WHAT?!”… Yea, that’s the same reaction I had. I was talking to my friend, and he mentioned that a chick he knows told him that she was on her way to the gym to find herself a “Pokemon”. So in his explanation, a pokemon can be either genders, depending on who is seeking out their own “Pokemon”. In any case, I definitely found mine, well two. One is my back up, the other a nice thanksgiving break one-timer. But as the title mentions, what do you do, when you’re put in the excruciatingly painful, and awkward position where your Pokemon wont poke you back, not because of any fault of your own, but because it just won’t get up in order to execute the poking? And that is when my disappointment took place.

What to do? What to do? In cases like this, I hadn’t had much problems ever. After all, when hooking up with someone for the first time, the main concern, above others, is if he will size up, and definitely rise up to the occasion. Sure there are those nagging “what if’s” that always pop up, but once the ball gets rolling and you’ve discovered the penis was what you’ve hoped for, you can finally breath, and relax knowing things will be easy from that point on. There’s nothing better than an easy lay and an easy man, but that’s another topic to cover. So now, you’re ready, and he’s over, and you think ‘great, this was an easy task, I got him over here, now lets get this started’. Not so easy. Like the saying goes, nothing is as easy as it seems, no matter how effortless it may be at the beginning. I’m not going to lie, for an inkling of a second the thought of “what if he can’t get it up” scenario popped up in my head. But I didn’t give it much thought. I’ve had that problem with someone a VERY long time ago, and I felt embarrassed for him, so I’m sure he was beyond mortified. But whatever, that wasn’t my problem. Just means it’s time to move on to a more adequate dick

Okay, so here is the gist of the failure of my recent hook up. Now, I’m going to be upfront. I’m a very hands-on type of  person. I like to take the initiative, in any situation, including sex. Yes, I know the guy usually does that, but during a hook up, I like to get to the point. I don’t need the extra talking, or getting to know each other. After all, he was leaving the next day, so WHO CARES if we had the chance to get to know each other! We both had the arrangement made for hook up purposes, so the understanding was already established. So let’s just say I ran into more technical difficulties than I had hoped for. The point of an easy hook up is just that, it’s supposed to be easy. So after all my work put in, why didn’t the hook up “rise to the occasion?”…Yes, ALL PUN INTENDED IN THAT LAST SENTENCE.

I mean whatever, I gave him the benefit of doubt, and I didn’t want to be presumptuous. Well, actually I did assume that he will be amazing, and dick me down and leave me more than satisfied. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Foreplay was great. CHECK. Kissing was amazing. CHECK. His penis was the right size. CHECK. Attractive? Yep, CHECK. So, now it’s time to get it in….NOT SO EASY. I went ahead and proceeded to go down on him at first, Great. At first he seemed to be enjoying it, and kept trying to push me away from time to time, because he was about to cum, and I assured him that if he did, it’s cool because I had no problems with it, although I thought it was pretty quick. But whatever, I slowed down so that he wouldn’t bust right away. Later on I realized maybe he shouldn’t have stopped me from making him cum, because now he couldn’t get back up.

At this point taking breaks, and waiting for him to somehow bring back his penis to the firm state seemed almost impossible. In fact after giving him sometime for whatever break he needed, he says to me that we should try to go for a second round…SECOND ROUND?! Sorry, but when did the first round even take place? More like a continuation of the first round. I had enough of it, so I took control of the matter. I didn’t want anymore kissing, or him going down on me, or anything, except going for my goal, which was to get him in me. I put in some hard labor work on my mouth on his penis, trying to resuscitate it back to life. Whatever trick I could think of, or have done in the past, I didn’t care, I pulled out all of it. This was a mission-FUCKING-impossible! And yes, I know a blow job isn’t fully complete if you don’t accommodate to the added junk, the balls. But I didn’t care. I would have stayed glued down there for as long as possible if that’s what needed to be accomplished in order to get it in me. Then finally SUCCESS! FINALLY! It was UP, IT WAS BIG, AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE! I smiled so big when I saw it in it’s full length, thinking to myself YES! I did that, even though it took a hell of a lot of work, I brought it to life. So the condom goes on, and we’re ready to go at it, and then…IT…WENT….AWAY. It died. I could not believe the amount of work I put in, as selfless as I was to his dick, me and his dick were not getting along. I literally felt like he wasn’t even in the presence of the hook up, more like it was some battle between me, and his penis. WTF! Suffice to say, I hurried up and tried to bring it back up again, but that was it. I gave up. By this time, my mouth hurt, and my arm muscles were in pain. So we finally decided it wasn’t going to happen, and I laid back down and said “Okay, let me think”, and he actually thought what I meant was, that I was still trying to come up with something more to keep this failure of a hook up going. He tells me not to worry, and sorry for what happened, and all the while I’m thinking to myself, ‘Dude, seriously, you’re leaving me horny and beyond frustrated, so I’m trying to think of who can I call up in order to finish this’, but of course I didn’t say that to him. I was very polite, and let him out after he got his self together. At this point, I was really glad I had a back-up guy. What would we do if there were no such thing as a back-ups? Good to have my back up, who absolutely got the job done

The next day I spoke to my good friend about this encounter, and I told him that I didn’t understand what could have been the problem, because I never have concerns about whether a guy can get it up. I know for certain there isn’t much a woman can do, when men are dealt with such technical difficulties, but I always figured that only much older men have these types of problems, not a young guy, who is sexually active.

I don’t think it goes without saying that I wont be ‘trying-out” this failed hook up for another attempt. I fear that it will only result to another waste of my time, which is why I went ahead and deleted his number from my phone as soon as he left my door step. I’m sorry babe, but I had to write you off, cuz you’re done!

-Sex and Women

GET IT GOOD. GET IT LONG. GET IT HARD. THEN GET OUT!

One rounders don’t exist in my opinion. Personally, unless we’re talking about a quickie, there shouldn’t be any dealings with only one round of sex.

I just got off the phone with my very close guy friend who ranted about his tryst with a one rounder chick. After wards she wanted to go grocery shopping….WTF! LOL!!!! I told him that I wouldn’t just stop after the first round. Whether I’ve gotten mine, or not, I like to keep going for as many rounds need be. I treat sex like a mission to achieve my orgasm. He went on ranting about how she may be becoming emotional about the arrangement, and that’s when I told him to get out of this situation as fast as possible. I  don’t know many women now days who can’t handle a zero-strings attached arrangement, yet proclaiming her love for the guy….RED FLAG!

My friend and I got on to the topic of why some women don’t go for seconds or thirds. I told him that’s absolutely not the case. Then again I’m not like a lot of women, so I couldn’t relate to this girl he was ranting about. So do a lot of women feel that after the first round, they’re done with the fuck session? Do they not enjoy the sex? I’m assuming this girl enjoys it, because he’s had multiple encounters with her, and she keeps coming back for more.

I’m sorry to say, but women like her give women like me a bad rep. I can understand if we’re involved exclusively with a guy, then a one round is fine. Sex within a serious relationship isn’t the only basis of your relationship, because you two clearly are with each other for more then sex alone. But when it comes to casual hook ups, I don’t understand why would a woman want to stop after one round, whether she came the first time or not. I think a lot of it comes from having the mentality that if he’s done a great job the first time, and wears us out, then there’s no need for a second round. This is where I disagree. Sure we all get worn out. After all sex requires a lot of work, but it’s a lot of fun work. So why wouldn’t you go for more? So I went to get the story from both sources, one male friend, and one female friend.

Her argument: If he’s a great lover during the first round, lasts long, and wears her out, then there’s no need for a second, because she’s fully satisfied. Matter of fact she argued, if the first round went great, that can last her for a few days.

His argument: If it was great the first round, then the expectation level for the second round is higher, and majority of the time, the second round doesn’t always go as well as the first. But on the other side, if the first time went okay, then the second round will only make for an overall good time.

Both great arguments. I can understand, and appreciate their reasons, but my argument is that unless I’m with someone exclusively, I definitely want to keep going for more rounds, even if I do get worn out the first time, which I have, but still up for more. I know that too much of a good thing is never good, but honestly a sexual tryst with someone isn’t a daily deal, and the whole purpose of a casual hook up is just for that reason. You get the goods as much as you want for that day, and not have to deal them for awhile again. Where as in a relationship, you have the option of enjoying it whenever you want sex, so there is no reason for milking too much of great sex.

Like I’ve mentioned before, a casual fuck session is for the purpose of getting the goods, and making it worth the duration of the once-in-a-while tryst. The operative understanding here is that it’s a ONCE IN A WHILE DEAL, so milk it, and get the fuck out once you’ve gotten what you came for! Just make sure to still be nice about it, because you never know when you may need to go back to this person again, in case your plans on hooking up with someone hotter doesn’t go as planned. It’s always good to keep the “back-up”.

-Sex and Women.

 

Fuck me badly once, shame on you….Fuck me badly twice, shame on me….

…And so it goes without saying. Exactly what constitutes a bad fuck? Further more, how many of you actually returned for seconds to a bad quality fuck? Personally, I quit while I’m still ahead. Through talking to various women, and men for that matter, I’ve learned that a bad fuck isn’t dictated by the act of fucking itself, but that it also has a lot to do with the person….GO FIGURE! I can honestly say that if a guy annoys the shit out of me, then I’m not returning, no matter how great the sex was…or would I? It all depends.

In all my past flings, I’ve found that the rebound guy is always the “bad fuck”. Not that I’m trying to be crude about the situation, but the primitive point of a fling is that it shouldn’t involve the level of annoyance as these rebounds bring us. For some reason those rebounds are always the clingy ones, who turn sex into a bothersome, and yes even infuriating at times. I know I’ve written and made my point that a bad penis can absolutely fuck up the fucking, but the person themselves can fuck it up as well.

A guy who is a rebound, or too clingy, or just simply talks too much, in my case, absolutely turns me off, and this is where the sex goes bad. If I’m not turned on, then why should I screw you?…and for that matter screw you again?! I spoke with a few people this past weekend, and came to the realization that there are people who can be perfectly sexual, and love sex just like me, but if the person they are having sex with does not have any sexual chemistry with them, than the sex isn’t that great…. HUH?! That thought has never even crossed my mind. I’ve never had any problems going all out during sex, and not being turned on. Then again I’m always turned on, but I’m sure you’ve already figured that one out. Since I couldn’t relate to this one particular woman, and her lack of sexual chemistry with her fling, I wondered how do I know the chemistry, or lack of chemistry when I’m having sex with someone? And the answer was obvious! If he’s god damned annoying as hell, I’m not going back for a second round.

In my experience, I’ve always tried somehow to let the guy know that we are only on “fucking” terms…that’s it. This means no hanging out, no calling me for bullshit, unless it’s for sex, and definitely DON’T try to engage in a conversation with me where you’re trying to get to know me, and feel that I will want to get to know you cuz buddy, sorry to say, but it ain’t happenin’.  If I’m seriously interested in someone, then obviously the feelings would be mutual, but again as I’ve stated before, a fuck is just that, A FUCK. It’s not that I don’t have any respect for these guys who I have flings with, I just choose not to look at them more than what they’re there for the purpose of.

Ok so, what constitutes a bad fuck for me according to the person, and not just the sex? Well, aside from the usual bad sex in all it’s debacle, I absolutely cannot deal with a guy who talks too much. Talking too much makes me feel like they are interested in more than sex. Now if he’s talking nasty, and raunchy to me during sex, that’s a GRADE A-PLUS! But the extra talking shit should be minimal. Better yet, just shut the fuck up! Nobody gives a damn if you’re insecure about whatever the hell you may be insecure about. Bringing that up during a fuck session with me is not the time! I’m not you’re fucking therapist! Well, I mean I can be you’re FUCKING THERAPIST, WINK WINK ….but not an actual therapist. And then there are those who never know when to quit clinging on, or get the hint. I hate when guys who I have zero attraction towards, except for sexual attraction of course, always cling on to me. I’m not trying to sound pretentious here, I’m really not, but it’s true. What part of no-strings attached is so hard to decipher? I remember once, this one guy who I had a great no-strings attached arrangement with. He understood that I wasn’t looking for anything, except for us to have sex. He was amazingly gorgeous, and his body was ridiculously cut….HE WAS HOT! Except, he started to become that ever-feared cling on, and that’s when I had to quit him. It got to a point where, I made him walk back to his place, while I drove by with my friend passing him up while he was still walking. The rebound, cling on guys, no matter how nice they may be, and yes they are ALWAYS SO NICE, and I always feel so guilty treating them this way, but they honestly make me feel nauseated! They’re clingy personality, and insecurity bullshit makes me want to erase any sexual act, or even knowing them, out of my head! Another guy who I also had the same great, no-strings attached thing, going on with, one day decides that he should hunt me down, on a daily basis to ask me why am I avoiding him, or why am I not returning his calls to hook up like we did before, and his showcase of being so desperate completely turned me the fuck off. Honestly I just found a better fuck who wasn’t annoying, or clinging onto me.

Honestly, women are not the “emotional creatures” men make us out to be. The modern day woman is too busy for that shit, so just do us a favor and FUCK US, let us blow you, have a great fucking orgasm to benefit from and leave it at that. Because when you try to get too serious with us, we’re gonna let you know and keep things as realistic as possible, which is “YOU. ARE. ONLY. A. FUCK!”

Till my next post!

SWALLOWING: Part I

He has a point....

Alright, suffice to say, this is a topic women won’t talk about openly. Fortunately I will! Lots of women engage in this act, so why don’t we ever talk about it, or ever admit to doing? And FYI ladies, men will eat you out, but there are lots of guys out there, who see this as a deal breaker. I personally never had a guy who said no to me, but my motto is BE FAIR. I certainly never admit to swallowing, but I’ve done it a few times, and never actually enjoyed it. I mean a blow job isn’t called a “JOB” for nothing! But it’s still fun. After talking to a friend, she mentioned that swallowing could be easier if the taste isn’t off. I told her I’ve never been a fan of swallowing, but that I should take her suggestion. Her suggestion: it all depends on what the guy eats….in this case, I’m not talking about eating you, but  the types of food he eats. I thought it over, and wanted to conduct my own experiment. This is where the two parts of this blog comes into play.

The plan: I’ll write about this new suggestion my friend mentioned, and after I try it out with my guy this weekend, I’ll have put the experiment to test.

Ok, so here’s the deal. When I first started having sex, I used to treat the “nut”, “jizz”, “load”, or whatever you wanna call it, like it was the most disgusting thing in the world, like it was acid on my skin. As I’ve gotten older, I became more open to the guy cumming on my body, and eventually in my mouth, to actually swallowing.  I figured, men have no problem of ever swallowing whatever cums out of us when they’re eating us out. Though I used to always spit it out after giving them head when they came. So I wanted to play fair. After all, I can’t always be in it for myself, and never return the favor, and I always return the favor. But that’s another post on its own.

So, if I ask my guy to eat all sweet flavored foods for an entire day, will his cum taste good? I’m not sure, but I won’t back down from trying it out. I’m always open to new ideas for sex. Usually I’ve always used foods like vanilla ice cream, or anything white and sweet, so that when he came, it would blend in, and I wouldn’t notice the difference. Safe to say, I’ve never really tasted the cum itself, just whatever type of dessert I was sucking off of him, since his “load” mixed in with the dessert. I want to try it out without any extra help from things like ice cream, or whip cream to make it easier for me to swallow. The times when I didn’t have any foods available, I’d just spit it out. But it is common sense, if you don’t like the taste of something, add flavor to it. Plus, it’s more convenient. It’s not always fun to plan out where to go, and making sure to have “flavored foods” on hand in order to suck a dick. I mean what do you expect when it’s a spontaneous thing to do? Are you really gonna go through the trouble of making sure you have a pint of ice cream, or a can of whip cream, and dealing with all the sticky mess it creates after wards? No. I’d just rather suck, and let him cum knowing I won’t have to worry about the weird taste. This is why I’m gonna try out my friends idea of seeing if his diet of what he eats will change the taste.

Like I’ve said, I wanna play fair with guys. They never use “flavorings” on us, so why should we? It’s like  insulting the guy by saying to them, “you taste gross”. I’m all about pleasing the guy. Whatever they like, or don’t like, I’m always open to,  because every guy I’ve been with, have always pleased me, whether be oral, fucking, or whatever. They’ve always made it up one way, or another. I’ve never had many complaints about my partners. The great big dick ones, were beyond amazing, and the ones who lacked in that area, always made it up with eating me out. So, I’ve always played fair, and gave them good sex, head, and anything else that makes the sex fun.

Let’s see how the experiment goes. I’ll tell him to change his eating for a day, and see how he tastes, and continue onto part two of this topic. I’m not expecting much of a difference, because after all I’m not gonna complain either way. Swallowing comes with sucking a dick, and if you’re gonna complain over something so trivial, than maybe you’re the one who needs to be open about being more sexual, and pleasing the guy. After all, men do lots of things in order to please us, unfortunately not all women return the same pleasure back.

Look at it this way, since you’re already down there, might as well finish the job to it’s full completion!

Till my next post, this one is to be continued….PEACE Y’all!

“Spread the Chocolate, Spread the Legs…..SPREAD THE WORD!”

Yea, that's what I do...So what?

So how many of you are guilty of  “sexting”? You know, texting someone as a form of foreplay, or phone sex, with nasty words, and pictures….Usually in most people’s case it takes place at night time, when your extra horny, or just too drunk, and need an instant booty call. The best way to advertise yourself during those times is by sending a picture of yourself in a very creative position, along with an equally nasty text. I take my sexting to a whole other level. When I’m horny, which is 24/7, no matter what time of day, I send a picture “sext” message just about anytime of the day. It’s a nice way to catch a guy off guard. Trust me, he will not complain.

I had a very interesting conversation with my best friend yesterday. She brought something to my attention, which I am fully admitting to doing, but never thought anyone else did. She asked have I ever “accidentally” sent a guy a really dirty picture of myself,  wait for a reply, and then tell him “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t know I sent that to you!” I was sooooooo shocked, and surprised that she’s done the exact same thing. Apparently we weren’t the only ones who have done it.

So are we really that slutty? The fact of knowing that we’re posing in a pornographic manner, in pictures, and video’s which encourage the inner porn star? In my case, YES! It’s sort of a guilty thrill. You never want to admit it to anyone, but taking nasty pictures of yourself is a turn on. You want certain guys to see you in that light.  Aside from the way you normally look. You want to show the guy, and tell him “hey, I gotta bangin’ body, and I AM a freak!”  Sex is sex, but GREAT sex is FUN! It’s all about spontaneity, guilty fantasies, and the feeling of going through with all the crazy sexual idea’s you want to do, but restrict yourself from doing. When you’re single, you have the freedom of making yourself be seen in whatever light you want a guy to think of you. If you’re just in it for a really good sex buddy, than the possibilities of reinventing yourself is endless. When I was in my previous relationship, I was very embarrassed to do the things for my guy that I would normally do if I were single. You always want to be the “good girl” in your significant others eye. It took me forever to actually send him dirty pictures of myself, and videos of me masturbating. I’m not sure why, but it’s different when you’re single. You don’t care what a guy, who you just want to screw, thinks of you. The goal is to fuck anyway. So I become very creative. You want to be this discreet freak to the guy, by acting one way in public, but then turning the role around, becoming a super slut when you’re horny for him. You don’t care if he see’s you as a good girl, or whatever. He’s not anybody significant in your life, so why would you care about how he thinks of you. There’s been several occasions when I was at work, or wherever, and the obvious thought in my head was, “hey, I’m horny” . So I’d send a really dirty sext to the guy I was wanting to screw. Once I was home, I’d take pictures of myself, or me playing with my toys, video tape it, and send it to him. That pretty much works! You can get more creative with food, but I don’t really like anything inside me, unless it’s my masturbation toys or a GREAT penis.

My suggestion is get creative. Take pictures of yourself. The next time you need to “handle, and take care yourself”, just video tape the masturbation session, and spontaneously send it to him. He will definitely enjoy it!  When he does come over, take out the video camera, the toys, ice cream, and the chocolate syrup, and have fun with it!

Try it out. You, and your guy will definitely have a good time. PEACE!

I wanna fuck you, you, you….oh and you, that guy who I used to think about while I was still with my boyfriend, yea I really meant to fuck you especially…

Yea, I really did wanna screw those guys. There was one guy in particular who I really wanted to give it to, while I was still dating my ex. I know this sounds wrong. Why was I even thinking of fucking another guy while I was dating someone else?  I know for a fact that all women, whether be single or involved, have a list with at least a couple of guys who they wanna screw. This list mainly consists of men we want to screw RIGHT after we end our relationship. Some guys are sooooo ridiculously tempting, that sometimes you wish your relationship would end already, so you can hurry and get this other man’s meat! I’m not the only woman to vouch for this. I have plenty of girlfriends who are involved, and they’ve all mentioned guys they want to screw if their relationships ended. So FYI to any men who is reading this, if you are involved, dating, married, or whatever, your woman isn’t 100% thinking about fucking you, 100% of the time….Just a little insight =)

When I was involved in my past two relationships, there were plenty of other guys I thought of in that light….the light of BOINKING them of course….But, for some reason, the friends were the main ones I wanted to screw. I don’t know why, but the guys I’ve dated had really attractive friends, more attractive than the dude I was involved with. I mean is that how it’s supposed to turn out? Because I swear, every guy I was committed to had hot friends. WTF!!? It’s like, “tell me why the fuck didn’t I meet you first? Because I would’ve definitely fucked you. But, now we can’t anymore because I’m with your friggin’ best friend!” It’s even worse, because every time you see his friends, the hot ones only, you’re thinking of all the nasty, dirty things you want him to find out about you, but you can’t because, YOU’RE DATING THE FRIGGIN’ BEST FRIEND! Yes fuck my life. I remember one time, my guy’s best friend was over, and he picked up the camera. When I came in the living room, I looked at him, and I didn’t understand why the hell he had that expression on this face. Then I thought to myself, did I or my boyfriend make sure to take the video we made off the camera…..So yea….his best friend watched a pretty good amount of the sex video I made with my boyfriend. Obviously, I had to act like I was pissed off, but honestly I was just thinking to myself, YEP! That was me, wink wink. So if you wanna get at me after I break it off with your best friend, HOLLERRRR!!

These guys you wanna fuck, but can’t because you’re involved, are always the ones you think in the most absolute, disgusting, dirty, nastiest of all nasty thoughts over. I mean, yea when you’re dating your boyfriend you do fun, and creative things, and all that good shit. Yet, when you think of these other men, you literally wanna fuck them like no other. It’s like every freaky thing you can possibly think of that you normally don’t do with your own guy, you would do with this other guy without any hesitation. It’s like the inner porn star in you comes out. Strip for him, dance for him, on him, dance on his face! Give him the nastiest, freakiest blow jobs, and ACTUALLY take your time to enjoy him! I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I’ve noticed the guys I really want to screw, are the ones I want to do things I normally won’t do regularly, or even think of doing…..I’ll do just about ANYTHING! So what makes these “other guys” so tempting, and leaving us wanting to be so beyond slutty? Maybe it’s the thrill, and the spontaneity of knowing that he’s not your guy, that he’s just the guy you can overtake, and let him know that “hey, you know what? I really wanted to fuck you, but I couldn’t because I was involved. Now that I’m a free agent, I’m gonna let you screw me!” LIKE!

I really like the sense of knowing the particular guys I want to screw will be hassle free. At the end of the day I don’t have to call, or deal with him, and if he’s got the great penis that I always aim for, we can make sex appointments anytime! I, like most women, also have a “TO-DO” list of man-meats which I would like to check off. There are about four guys in all on my list as of now. I plan to move in the very near future, so before that happens, I definitely want to get these guys off my list. Just be completely upfront about it, and tell him that I just want to fuck, we can exchange numbers just so we can let each other know when, and where. That’s it. I don’t wanna hang out, or talk…I especially don’t want to talk to your ass….Just let me objectify you, and your penis,and we’ll all be happy campers. No serious crap, just a really GREAT FUCK! I will definitely LIKE that!

Till tomorrow’s post, HOLLERRRR!!!!!!!

Dudes and Prudes…

Ok, so before I begin my rants again, I just wanna bring up a really funny story that happened at the gym today. I just returned from my spin class, and half way through the class I had a realization. All that movement of going up, and down, while I’m riding my cycle, sweating. Every time I was supposed to move up, and down, the seat kept hitting my “sensitive spot”. How the hell am I supposed to focus on my workout, when my clit is being brushed up against by the stupid seat?!  So this reminded me of a WAY better activity, where I can be doing the same exact things, but ACTUALLY enjoy it…and burn calories too. Yes, I’m talking about riding a great penis….NOT A BAD ONE. A GREAT ONE. I mean really think about it. You can ride the penis, sweat, and get the same amount of movement. Slow and steady, then picking up the pace. If I could find a great penis to become a life time member of, I’d rather sign up with that, and cancel my gym membership. I might just burn more calories per hour than the spin class, and the upside to a membership to the holy penis would be, you can ride it as many times as you want, and actually get MULTIPLE satisfaction out of it!….LIKE! Plus, it’d be free…no monthly membership fee.

So a friend of mine went ahead and posted my blog to his forum. It received alot of feedback, but all from men because it’s a forum for the male audience. Anyway, I never thought that a woman who is outspoken about her sexual promiscuity would receive negative feedback, although some were quite funny. I mean I guess it comes with the territory. All opinions are open to criticism. Good, or bad. I’m just glad to get my thoughts out there, because this is how alot of women feel, except we choose not to talk about it. I know there are alot of stigma attached to women, and being so open about sex. But if we don’t choose to discuss it, or even worse, pretend that we aren’t sexual beings, then how are we as women supposed to know how good sex is supposed to feel. Believe it or not, there are alot of women who fit that category of not knowing, or experiencing GREAT sex, or what an amazing orgasm feels like, or that it’s achievable in more than one way ladies.

Because of my ethnic background, I am supposed to go with the stigma that we, south asian women, are prudes. I was always very embarrassed to ever talk about my sex life, or the fact that I even HAVE a sex life, to other south asian women. We suffer from a far worse stigma compared to just women in general. Our culture restricts us from engaging in anything sexually related. Shit, flirting too much with the opposite sex is looked down upon.  Whatever the case may be, I chose not to follow that stigma. A few years back, I was in a very serious relationship. I had sex, but never enjoyed it. I didn’t understand, and couldn’t come to terms of why was I not enjoying it, or even wanting it. I knew that I liked the thought of having sex, and I really did want to enjoy it. So why couldn’t I? I didn’t want to believe that I may actually be one of those women who just doesn’t like sex. I mean WTF?! I was a very sexual person, and I knew that, but for some reason I didn’t enjoy it. So what did I do? I took care of it. At first I bought a dildo, and LOVED IT! I actually achieved an orgasm, which I was unable to get from my boyfriend at the time. I was so relieved, because I knew there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I don’t know what was wrong with him, but he didn’t suffer from “SMALL-PENIS-ITIS” LOL. Anyway, I took drastic measures to make myself discover great sex, great penis, and all the amazing orgasms that I always hear other women talk about. I ended my three year relationship with my boyfriend, and started having sex. Plain and simple. I figured, if I need to get this mission accomplished, I will do just that dammit. Since that time, I’ve definitely experienced the best of the best, along with one, or two not-so-great sex. Yep, you guessed it, the not-so-great ones were the “SMALL-PENIS-ITIS” men.

The one thing I noticed was that the small “weewee” men always try to make up for their lack of an adult penis, by trying to perform oral like their livelihood depended on it. Making up, and covering up the shame of the one thing he, and the girl both know, but won’t bring up. It’s like the giant elephant in the room. Both parties know it, but no one will mention it. Hey at least they tried….My thoughts about this is, if ya gotta little wiener, you better make up a whole lot of action with your tongue, and fingers. There should never be a reason for why a woman would rather fuck a dildo, than fuck you!

I’m out peoples…PEACE!

They call it a dry season….Well, it’s a year around wet season in my case

Actually, this is exactly what i would like to say...

I was talking to a buddy of mine recently, and he described his lack of sex as the “dry season.” I was really confused, and thought to myself, if lack of sex means it’s a dry season, then what season am I in? I haven’t had sex in about five months. Yes…FIVE MONTHS. Honestly, I look at my self in the mirror everyday, and can’t figure out why the hell it has been so long. This is the longest I’ve went without sex. Again, I say five months because bad sex during this time didn’t make the cut. Even if I did have sex, it was bad sex, and it didn’t deserve to be counted as an actual sexual encounter in my book. If it ain’t good, it ain’t gonna get counted buddy LOL! I still didn’t understand why the lack of sex is considered to be a “dry season”, because I can’t think of a time when I am “dry”. Ever. I am literally wet 24/7. I can’t remember a time I wasn’t horny. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m never “dry”, because I’m always horny. Well…FUCKIN YAY for me!

I was in class last week, and my hornyness reached a whole new level of insanity. Normally when i see hot men, I glimpse, look for about two seconds, and carry on with my day. Well not as of lately. During class last week, I couldn’t pay attention to the lecture, because I was thinking about this one particular hottie, and how badly I wanted to screw him. As if my lack of sex, and being horny all the time wasn’t torturing me enough already, this guy in my class who sat a few seats ahead of me, decides to take his jacket off, and all he was wearing was a brief undershirt….THAT’S IT! That did it for me. I couldn’t pay attention to my professor anymore while this fine, hot summama-I-tell-you-WHAT man was sitting in front of me, with all of his ridiculously hot, cut body revealed. I really was caught by surprise. I’ve spoken to this guy before. I see him every week in class, and I would have never, in a million years, thought he had such a sexy body. When he wears regular clothes, you would never know he had that body underneath all that. His arms, his neck, his shoulders, (especially his shoulders) his chest…OMG….I fucking could not believe how nice his body was. His shoulders were so wide, and muscular, his arms were sooooo BIG (LOL), and his chest was so tight, and strong. I just wanted to fuck him right then, and there. Just straddle him, and screw the shit out of him. Grab onto his shoulders, feel his body with my hands, and dig my nails into his muscles while I came hard.  I couldn’t stop staring at his body. I tried to get a glimpse at his crotch, but he never stood up, and his back was facing me, so maybe next week I’ll have to see if I can get an idea of that part of his body. I’m hopeful LOL.

I have a really bad habit of staring. I call it my “eye magnet”, because once I look at something, I can’t stop staring. It’s really pathetic. Anyway, so I was sitting in my class a few seats behind this hot stuff, and I kept thinking to myself that I really should pay attention to the lecture, because it’s becoming obvious that I’m staring directly at him. I tried to justify my thoughts by telling myself, “oh he’s just in the way of the professor, that’s why I can’t really look over him. He’s just in the way.” A few seconds later I realized the professor was on the other side of the room, and he wasn’t in the way of anything. At that moment, I realized I was slowly massaging my upper chest, where my cleavage was showing from my low-cut shirt, and I was fucking wet from just staring at him! I immediately stopped, because I think I was just short of an empty room from masturbating. Well whatever. I finally got myself together, and returned back to paying attention to the lecture. At least now I have an eye candy to stare at, because that class is just plain boring.

Now about that “particular” hottie, all I can say is this motherfucker is one fine, thorough bred horse LOL. He’s like a friggin Adonis. Tall, sexy, and beyond screwable! Anyway, till next post, PEACE!

Do I need to walk around with my legs wide open with a sign on my crotch saying “DO ME!” ?

So, in my last post I mentioned about my dream, or nightmare to be fair, about having sex with a guy who had an incredibly small penis. Now the word small to describe his penis is an understatement, because it literally was a maggot! Yes, that’s what I said. I remember getting up, and close to the guys penis, and what was attached to his crotch  was a maggot squirming and moving around…Ok, so now that I’m done throwing up in my mouth, I will continue. Once I woke up from this nightmare, I immediately Googled about my dream, and it told me that I have a fear in my sexual life, of small penis’. Google could not be more right. Now THAT was my “AHA-MOMENT” LOL!

I’m a fairly attractive 25 year old single woman. No, I take that back. In my opinion, I think I’m hot, my body is in good shape, and yes I shamelessly splurge on over padded, push up bra’s from Victoria’s Secret until I can afford an actual boob job to get the male attention, but so what? Do I need to literally walk around with my legs wide open with a sign on my crotch saying “DO ME!” ?

I remember one time I was at the gym with one of my girlfriends, and I made a comment about the guys I’ve dated. I told her that the most guys I’ve dated at the same time were 3…and a 1/2. She couldn’t stop laughing, and quoted me on her Facebook status. She asked me why the “1/2.” Now, I’m a woman of south asian background, and it’s not socially acceptable to discuss these matters, sex or men related matters, with other south asian women. We JUST DON’T discuss these things, because we are supposed to be modest prudes. Another fellow south asian friend of mine, also a modest prude, asked me about the same story about the “1/2″ man. I chose to leave out the reason for why I mentioned the “1/2″ to her. My girlfriend is 27, about to be 28, and still uses sentences like, “I’m not in the V-Club anymore.”  WTF?! Who says things like that at our age anymore? This is why I discuss all my sexual frustrations, and stories with my best friend who isn’t of south asian background. Now, back to why I used the “1/2″ to describe one of the men I’ve dated….well it’s because his penis was half the size of an average male penis, so he doesn’t get the respect of having a whole number counted towards him as a man. He’s a “1/2.”

My best friend, and I had a long discussion the past two days about men, and sex. She asked me if there was a guy who had a great body, a HUGE “WANG-WANG” (that’s the term she used), but didn’t have a face to match, would I screw him? I answered sure, why not. After all, I was just wanting the penis, the face really wasn’t  benefiting me. She laughed, and suggested I should put a bag over his head. I joked with her about the time when I heard a guy mention the term “double bagger”, which means, you both have bags over your head, in case his falls off, you still have yours on so that you won’t have to see his face LOL. Ok, I know this sounds really insulting, and degrading to men, but these are normal discussions women have with each other everyday. So what do I do to get screwed? Literally? I’m a grad student, and also work part-time at a law firm as a paralegal, and I come across horny, hot men all the time. The only flirts I get on a daily basis are by young boys in their early 20′s who still use stupid lines like  “Can I git yo numba?” WTF. I need to get screwed. I’m not interested in dating, I’m very content on being single right now, and focusing on my work, and school. Ok, I’m gonna continue this post later. Talking so much about my sexual frustration, is becoming frustrating.

Until next time, PEACE!